I can't look at you...

I won't look at you...

No...it's not that. It's that I can't look at you. But you should understand this already. You do know everything about me already, don't you? So you know the reason I can't look at you. I'm scared of you. People tell me I shouldn't fear you. Well...they say I should "fear" you but not in the way that I already do. But why shouldn't I be afraid? No one's be able to convince me otherwise. If I ask one person about you, they might speak about nothing else other than your love. Another person might just speak only of your wrath. So one version of you is one that I might want to be close to but the other is one that I couldn't bear to do anything with. What am I supposed to believe? I suppose I'm supposed to believe that both are true at the same time. However I cannot believe that someone capable of extreme wrath can be capable of treating me with love and compassion. I just can't.

Not only that but sometimes I feel like I'm incapable of love. Sometimes. I know I care greatly for my friends and my cat...however I cannot say the same for my family. It's sad, I know. And it's terrible. They're the ones I should be able to care for the most. They take care of me and still take care of me. They put up with me...this poor 21 year old student that just stays in their house even though she should be able to take care of herself at this point. However, I feel that parents who are incapable of compassion towards each other cannot have compassion towards their children. The fact that they spend their time in constant states of anger towards each other have to effect the way they behave towards me. I can't completely respect them for that.

But...I'm sure you know all this already...

You know everything about me right?

I place very little value on my own life. I continue to live because I fear death. So I just exist here because...I do. Also...I hate pain so I couldn't do anything to purposely hurt myself even if I wanted to. I fear death because of it's uncertainty. I'm quite sure you know where I'll end up when I die. You've probably known it since before I was born. And as much as I've tried to just accept it, there's no way I can. I'd rather cease to exist than to exist...there. The irony though is I'm still purposely hurting myself...just in the most socially acceptable way there is. Food can be quite the weapon you know...So although I won't die instantly, I'm surely cutting my life shorter and shorter and I'm not doing a thing about it.

I prefer the company of animals over people. People can be quite cruel, don't you think? At least the only pain I have to endure with animals is physical pain. The pain of a cat scratch or dog bite is nothing compared to feeling alone when you're surrounded by people.

All I want out of life is to be happy...but sometimes that seems like a complete impossibility. Especially when I'm constantly told that "true" happiness can only be found through you. And if that's true then I'm afraid the probability of me ever being happy has been severely lessened.

And so because I'm sure you already know everything about me, you should know that I think it would be better to be alone in the world. Sometimes you can easily be hurt by people close to you and they'd never know they did a thing wrong because the action was so subtle. At least not with me. And that I've tried to...for lack of a better word...kill my own emotions. They can be pretty useless, you know? Sometimes they just get in the way. Sometimes you can easily be hurt by people close to you and they'd never know they did a thing wrong. At least not with me. Unfortunately it's utterly impossible. Though if I didn't have any emotion I would appear to be soulless wouldn't I? Or would I actually be soulless? One's worse than the other...but the one that seems worse to me isn't the one that you would consider worse I think.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother. There's no use. I highly doubt there's any number of people in the world that can convince me that you love me. Heh, and you know why I don't believe it. Look at where I am. You'd think that if a family were to adopt a kid, they'd put them in a loving home. However I live in a home where love was left out of the equation. At least in my eyes it was. I just don't see it nor feel it. So if that isn't the epitome of a cruel joke I don't know what is.

I respect you...I do. I guess I can understand that it's people that screw up what you tried to teach. There are some generally good things there. I don't agree with everything but the basic lessons of loving everyone I do agree with even though I don't know what love is. However I cannot respect you as well. And it's not for the reasons that most people don't respect you for. Yes there's evil here that you haven't fixed but in all honesty I don't care about that. I...can't forgive you for putting me here. I can't forgive you for not making things clear for me. I can't forgive you...for making it so hard to love you.

But again...I'm sure you knew this already...
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I you read all that emo-ness...then...I'm sorry for the emo-ness. I'll try not to be so randomly emo.

Just so we're all on the same page...This is pretty much what I think about saying to God if I could. But quite frankly like I said above...I'm sure he knows it already. So of course Sombra is me and the lion is representative of God.

Clearly me and religion don't see eye to eye at the moment. Quite frankly I don't think too highly of it. Or at least I don't think too highly of Christianity (sorry if me saying that offends any Christians that may watch me). That's just 'cause of my experiences with it and me over thinking every little detail of the religion.

Though at the same time...I don't wanna deal with militant atheists commenting about how it's a stupid belief. I may not believe it but I don't think it's stupid. I've brought up religion in the past on FurAffinity mainly and had the militant atheist comments. If there's anything I like less than religious extremism is militant atheists...